on my mind this cloudy tuesday

I've been thinking about:

-Decisions.  Many decisions about my life and job direction.  Like a tangled knotted necklace chain, each knot is individual and complex, but yet they all connected and contingent on another.

-About how some people have their eyeballs in backwards.  They challenge me not to give in to my natural tendency to do the same. 

-About how some people have such mature and beautiful perspectives on things, and life.  They (some are my dear blog buddies) challenge me to see the world through shades of their lovely colors. 

-About how some people make me feel like I should apologize to them before I ever open my mouth, but then how I realize that it might be them that has more of a problem than me, and how life is too short to spend worrying about offending people that surround themselves with eggshells and require that you not step on any of them.  Do you know how hard it is not to step on eggshells when they are all over the place??  For this too-honest-for-her-own-good-at-times gal it is very hard.  So, I joyfully quit.  But, I do ask the Lord to help me to be more gentle... and more careful to consider how other people were raised, life experiences, etc., and how it makes them respond the way they do.  

-I think about how thankful I am for the dear friends with whom I enjoy candid, honest, and edifying  colloquy (isn't that a great word??).

-About how I love the warm, vibrant, enthusiasm of my family.   

-About how I need to revise the little white Christmas tree here in my room from a Christmas tree to a Valentine tree.  

-About how I need to start managing my time better and wrapping up those ever nagging to-do list stragglers. Somewhere along the way, last year I guess it was, I fell off that bandwagon and I don't feel like I get near as much done as I did when I had twice as much on my plate as I do now.  Or, maybe it's just that I don't need that much grace now, because I was, in reality, working myself silly back then.  

-About how I really should start blogging more.  (again, the time management issue haunts me)  And being a blogger-perfectionist less. 

-About how I need to make a list of all the sewing projects that I need to finish, and then finish them.  

-About my natural tendency to be self-reliant.  And how that is sin.  And how I should hourly be reminding myself that it is only through God's grace and strength that I can do anything worthwhile.  

-About the GOP debate last night and how it was the best one yet.  I so love election years.  

-About how I really should shut up now and go work on those nagging to-dos.  

remembering

I'm sure I can't think of a lovelier way to spend a Sunday afternoon than to sit on the branch of a ground-sweeping oak tree at the back of our land in the middle of no place in particular and to think and pray... to listen, feel, and simply be.  Sometimes, there in the meadow, it almost seems as if one is on holy ground.  The Holy Spirit seems to be in the very breeze, and in the quiet, things come into proper perspective.

We've all crossed the threshold of a new year since I last wrote... new years are good times to take a long look into the inventory of our souls and at the compass of our lives.  And, to remember.  To recollect lessons learned, joys experienced, and trials weathered.   A friend of Facebook recently asked if anyone named their years, based on an idea or writing from Ann Voscamp.  I hadn't heard or thought of the idea before, but it seemed like a ponder-worthy thing.  My friend said her 2011 would be named "Letting Go".  I had a hard time thinking of what I would name 2011, if I so decided.

But then, I stumbled across a word that summed it up:  Selah.  Yes, that sums it up in one beautiful word.


2011 was a year of pause... of rest, pondering, and growth that wasn't much chartable.  At the time.  Now, I see, looking back, that the year called, Selah, was, as all the others, a year of growth, even though I felt like nothing was happening.  The very inactivity of it was what was accomplishing things.

The beginning of 2011 found me severely burnt out, and a general human heap of exhaustion, brokenness, and confusion.   The end of 2011 found me standing, rested, rejoicing, and hopeful.   That is nothing short of God's work.

In 2011 I:
-took three months for a sabbatical from pretty much everything but work.
-I lost a lot of dead weight... dead weight relationships, closet clutter, schedule clutter, spiritual clutter, and the weight of what other people thought.
-I waited, and waited, and waited on God to give direction jobwise.  And I learned, by the very end of the year, to sing praises even before you cross the Red Sea, even before you know how God is going to get you across... but just because you know that He will.
-I reconnected with my inner pianist... :) a part of me that had gotten left behind somewhere along the way.
-I was given a piano (more on that to come!)
-We moved and I learned to embrace the quiet country life, once again... reconnecting with your roots is a very good thing.
-I started the journey of learning how to live well, blamelessly, beautifully, and simply.

God did good things... many good things.  Much more than the above, but those are a few.

One of my favorite milestone memories of 2011was on my birthday... during homechurch I requested that we sing a favorite hymn of mine, Great Is Thy Faithfulness.  We barely got through the first verse, and I started crying.  Really crying.  I couldn't even finish singing along to my own song request!  I was so thankful, so joyful, at recalling God's faithfulness that it was all I could do but weep.  Those who know me well know that that is so not like me (although I think I have cried more in this past year than all the other teen and adult years put together- praise God for brokenness!).... but it is so like the Lord.  He takes a stubborn girl and breaks her, so that He can rebuild her with a tender and grateful heart.  I so love that about Him.  I so appreciate the trials... the winter seasons of the heart... the years of Selah.

I don't know what 2012 will hold...  it'll be fun to see.  But it's so nice to know that His faithfulness will be as great in 2012 as it was in 2011.  What about you... what would name would best reflect 2011 for you?

a happiest of birthdays post

Maybe now that Christmas is over I can resume my normal haphazard schedule of blogging....  Christmastime ended up being quite the sprint!  Sometimes it takes a sister sharing their cold with you before you slow down... like in my case.  Such has forced me to be at home right now rather than with Mom and the sisters out celebrating Mom's birthday this afternoon (the aforementioned sister has not only shared her cold, but used up pretty much all the Kleenex in the house; so I have been elegantly toting around rolls of toilet paper... and Rudolph and I look like we could be first cousins)  Boo.  But, I am trying to make the most of it by indulging in my new Pinterest addiction, chatting with a few friends, reading, and resting.  And making black bean brownies (do not judge until you have tried them. besides, they are good for people with diet restrictions) in lieu of a birthday cake so that tonight we can party like homeschool rock stars for Mom's birthday (which of course will include dinner, brownies, and an old movie... a great way to spend any evening).

Speaking of Mom's birthday, I should very much like to take a few moments to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!, from my laptop to hers.  Mom is quite the special lady... I really appreciate that she takes time for the little things, like encouraging people, chatting with the cashier at the store, looking at the sunset, or any other small thing that is important.  Most importantly, she helps us all keep our priorities in order, remembering what's big and what's not in the light of eternity.  Mom was quite the artist, pre-homemaking days, and still is... but her art has shifted from pencil and paper to hearts and home, and I am blessed to be a beneficiary.  Most importantly, Mom loves Jesus, pure and simple.  And did I mentions she's my favorite coffee buddy?  'Cause she is.  I hope I can be the sort of mom she is one day... it's a high aspiration, but I'm blessed to know that I have her wise council and as a mentor, friend, and example all along the way.

~Mom and I, Christmas 2011~

I hope to write again soon because I wrote hardly anything of what I wanted to and now I have to go help with dinner.   Love to all, ~M

I want to be like....

Oh for grace to be like Mary... who said, yes, Your will, Lord!  No hesitation to accept God's grace and mandate; no first protests for personal comfort, previous plans, or the opinions of others. 

Oh for grace to be like the shepherds... willing for their work to be inturrupted, ready to do the angel's bidding.  Living a life of humility and quietness... practicing the stillness nessesary to hear God's plan.  

Oh for grace to be like Simeon... filled with the Holy Spirit, alert, listening, watching, and bold. 

Oh for grace to be like Anna... faithful... constant... worshipful... prayerful and disciplined... waiting and watching, for the coming of the Redeemer.  The loss of her husband, and many many years as a widow did not make her bitter, selfish, or inward, but rather more faithful and devoted to worship, fasting, and prayer.  Anna knew God and so she recognized Him when He came... if ever we need a role model for what a Godly woman should be like when she is old, I believe it is found in Anna.

Oh that like all these characters, I would be found faithful, willing, quiet, flexible, prayerful, hopeful, worshipful, and alert... because He who came, is coming again. 

Before He left this old earth, He told us to wait for Him and to be found faithful, ready, and watching when He returns (Mat. 24:42, Mk. 13:33-37, Lk. 12:37-39, Lk. 21:34, 36, Rev. 3:1-3, 16:15).   The next time He comes it will be as the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, the Lion of Judah, the valiant Bridegroom returning for His own.

When He returns, I want to be found in the same state as these favorite Christmas story characters of mine... they didn't know God as Man (as baby, really) would be coming that day or that year... but I have a feeling it wouldn't have made much difference, had they known. They lived their daily lives this way because they feared and loved God... faithful in the hum-drum, always listening, willing, waiting, and watching. 

Jesus may or may not return in my lifetime.  But I want to be faithful in the hum-drum, always listening, willing, waiting, and watching.  Ready.  Prepared.  Obedient.  Filled with the Holy Spirit. 

I can hear the lessons from these faithful witnesses, or I can heed them.  Hope cannot be borrowed and preparation cannot be shared, I've heard it said.  I want to heed their wordless examples...   for He who came, is coming again.  

 

of cool fronts and thanksgiving, comfort zones and fear...

It's raining here... a delicious cool front has come into town, and from the weather report says it will be staying all this new week.  A welcome visitor indeed.  Perhaps summer's warm temperatures have finally packed their bags once and for all?  But in Texas, there is no guarantee that they won't be back week after next.  That's just another great thing about living in Texas though: if you don't like the weather, just wait a few hours; it will probably change.  

We had a lovely Thanksgiving filled with joy, blessings, and the peace of God.  Lea and I brought our grandpa up on Tue and brought him back down yesterday.  It was a good five hour plus drive round trip both days, but how thankful we are for good roads and good company to enjoy on such trips.  Grandpa hadn't been up to visit us since my high school graduation... nearly nine years ago now, I guess!  

He's quite the interesting character... all German with sharp blue eyes, smart as a whip, amazing long term memory, sassy and stubborn, but yet kind and sensitive all at the same time.   Every once in a while he spouts off some off color something or another; the next, he's the perfect Southern gentleman of well bred manners and high standards... he was cut out of unconventional cloth, and quite the rebel.  No box will you stuff him into, by golly!  He'll see to that.

Grandpa moved down even further south to take care of his step-mother, but even after she died he's lived there alone for probably 10 years or so.  For all our prodding over the years to move up near us, his reply was always to laud the praises of low tax rates, no traffic, and a grocery store that has anything he could want.  

Now days, I do believe the companionship of a low tax rate has proven to be bad company and with his visit here this week, he's realized that he's missing out on the lives of his only family. 

It's taken 10 years and many missed memories to realize that change isn't always something to fear.  

When we picked him up on Tuesday, before we even got outside of the city limits of his little town he began remarking on how long it'd been since he'd seen various landmarks... the further we got from his gloomy little home and comfortable small town, the more alive I could feel him becoming.  During the few day visit, he was all things cheerful and social.

On the drive back yesterday I could almost feel him shrinking back at every mile that brought us closer to his home.  

He'd stepped into the light and warmth of family and love... of conversations over coffee and memories shared with his only daughter... of cheerful homes and granddaughters that bustled in the kitchen.  

Comfort zones and familiarity didn't seem quite so safe anymore.  It's not safe to miss out on the good things God might have in store for you, just because of fear.  Fear of anything, save the Lord, is bad company to keep.  

Lea and I drove up to his little house near the water... we walked him back in his dark bachelor-kept little living room... we prepared to travel back home... he broke up and started to cry and said he wished we didn't have to leave.  I wanted to cry and wished I didn't have to leave.  I felt like someone who'd let a butterfly from it's cocoon, and then after letting it soar a bit, stuffing it back in it's dark corner.  Offers to make a pot of coffee and stay for a bit was met with his over-riding concern about us getting home before dark.  Bless his heart.  

I think he will move here eventually.  Hopefully soon.  I think he's finally realized that comfort zones can be dangerous places and that fear is a bad companion.  A fresh and good reminder for me too. 

It forces me to examine my life... comfort zones I am clinging to and fears I am friending.  

Whenever Grandpa does move down, I know there will be growing pains.  Things to get used to.  Give and take.  That's life.  

This I'm learning: there's no life in clinging only to what you know because you're afraid of what you might get.  I must choose to open my heart and walk outside of my comfort zones.  There is always risk involved in both of those things... but to choose risk is to choose faith, and to choose faith is to choose the way of blessings.  

I want to choose the way of blessings.  I want to choose faith.  I want to say no to fear and no to perpetual comfort zones.  I want to say yes to Jesus.   Always.  Every time.   The Jesus way is always best. 

stuff and nonsense

I really haven't a foggy idea of what to write about, but I feel like I ought to anyway.  Write, that is.  The day just feels perfect for it.  It's been a knockout of a fall day... cold (for us), gorgeous, and windy. And sunny too.  There are two varieties of lovely fall days: the sunny blue sky sort, and the gray cloudy blustery sort.  Today was the former, but I'll take either and be just as delighted.  After tying up some business loose ends, Mom and I had a very nice jaunt into Small Town for a few errands.  I found little Christmas gifts for my Chinese girls and a new Christmas tree for my room (every since Lea and I stopped sharing a room, there has been a custody battle going on over our little shared tree.  Today, I found a BIGGER and BETTER one... bwahahaha. She can have the wee one footer... I found a FOUR FOOTER for an extremely reasonable price. ha.).  Fitting it in my room could prove to be interesting though.

My life these days is a series of twists and turns and everything up in the air.   Well, not everything everything, but too many for comfort.  But since when has God been concerned the most about my comfort?  He likes to make me uncomfortable, and I appreciate that.  Because the uncomfortableness is always prodding me on to new territory, more battles won, and a greater empathy for others. 

I'm learning to trust God with the unknowns, which is a lifelong lesson, I think.  At least in my life to date.  Not just the big unknowns (those can be easy sometimes), but the small ones... like if I put my name out there for as a piano teacher, will I actually get takers and will I be a good teacher?  And if I do, how will the schedule work out, and should I put my name out in three separate towns, and if I do what day should I do which and will it all work out?  It is confusing.  It is a practice in trusting God.  So that makes it good.

Other than that, the continual stretching of the soul and friendly sisterly battles over Christmas trees, not too terribly much has been going on.  Nothing truly interesting to report. 

I have rambled enough now and should go inside and make pumpkin bread to bring to a couple of neighbors.  Sounds like a pleasant and wise use of time, yes?  Soon all the family will be coming home and together for a warm and cozy dinner and then we'll watch the Republican presidential nominee debate.  We love watching those things so much, we clear the whole night's agenda for riveted debate watching.  Whatever needs to be done is always done either before or after the debate; never during. Only listening or the occasional talking-to-the-tv is allowed.  We're a family of political junkies.  Okay, I really am going to go make the pumpkin bread now.

reminders of His great love

The other day I was sitting on my bed prinking (to prink:to pray and think interchangeably; to prayerfully think).

I looked up and happened to focus in on my little scripture card,
the sun clearly outlining the silhouette of my little cast iron knight standing behind the card, behind a clear promise...
that it is HE who will fight on my behalf.

{Sometimes women, girls, everyone really, needs to be reminded that they are not facing the battles alone.}

I need only to hold my peace and rest in Him. The Lord will fight for me.

Children of God walking in the Light are never alone, never without a loving Shield and Defender.

May the Lord be your Warrior and your Peace today. 
We need only to stand back and let Him.

"The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace"  ~Ex. 14:14

"How can you have failed to see that a real pleasure was the last thing you ought to have let him meet?" (Screwtape)

Early this week Mom and I were at Small Grocery Store in the wonderful world of Small Town.  We bought out about a third of their produce department (I exaggerate.  But it does seem like a lot.), where I covetously snagged the very last and only eggplant.  (how dare they run out of eggplant right as the Italians are rolling into town?!  Rude.)  Finally, we wandered over to the aisle of toiletries.  Unfortunately I have a weakness for lovely soap and nicely scented hand sanitizer.  I spotted a little bottle of "Vanilla Cream & Apple Blossoms" *pink* hand sanitizer!  Mom had the proper response (don't you hate it when you're shopping and your shopping buddy does not have the proper response to an indubitably cool item? because there is a proper way to respond to exciting shopping finds, and the words bland, monotone, or non-enthused, do not describe it.).  As a matter of fact, she went beyond a proper response and put two in the cart; one for me, and one for her.  What a pal.  I was excited.  "It's the little things in life that make the world go 'round,"  I contentedly sighed. 

And it is true.  It really is the little things that can be the big things in life.  The little kindnesses that give grace to life.  The little pleasures like a steamy mug of tea or coffee on a blustery day, or driving with the windows open on a beautiful one.  Or a good book that makes you laugh or think.  Or coming downstairs on a fall day smelling the fresh air mixed in with a cinnamon spice candle.  Or a leisurely walk.  Or a good family dinner.  Or music that makes your heart yearn for a deeper Beauty.  Or perfume that makes the day more special.  Or trying to dance like the kids in a Charlie Brown episode.  Or laughing until you cry.  Or a warm home to return to.   Or the homey sound of a gas burner lighting into a flame in a still early morning hour.  Or... you get the picture.  Simple Pleasures, all of them.  Straight from God's hands to ours.  I've been thinking about this, ever since I read from The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis.  Maybe you'd like to read the quotes from it to?

"And now for your blunders.  On your own showing you first of all allowed the patient to read a book he really enjoyed, because he enjoyed it and not in order to make clever remarks about it to his new friends.  In the second place, you allowed him to walk down to the old mill and have tea there- a walk through country he really likes, and taken alone.  In other words, you allowed him two real positive Pleasures.  Where you so ignorant as to not see the danger of this?  The characteristics of Pains and Pleasures is that they are unmistakeably real, and therefore, as far as they go, give the man who feels them a touchstone of reality.  Thus if you had been drying to damn your man by the Romantic method- by making him a kind of Childe Harold or Werther submerged in self-pity for for imaginary distresses- you would try to protect him at all costs from any real pain; because, of course, five minutes' genuine toothache would reveal the romantic sorrows for the nonsense they were and unmask your whole stratagem.  But you were trying to damn your patient by the World, that is by palming off vanity, bustle, irony and expensive tedium as pleasures.  How can you have failed to see that a real pleasure was the last thing you ought to have let him meet?  Didn't you foresee that it would just kill by contrast all the trumpery which you have been so laboriously teaching him to value?  And that sort of pleasure which the book and the walk gave him was the most dangerous of all?
....

"The deepest longings and impulses of any man are the raw material, the starting-point, which which the Enemy has furnished him.  To get him away from those is therefore always a point gained; even in things indifferent it is always desirable to substitute the standards of the World, or convention, or fashion, for a human's own real likings and dis-likings.  I myself would carry this very far.  I would make it a rule to eradicate from my patient any strong personal taste which is not actually a sin, even if it is something quite trivial such as a fondness for country cricket or collecting stamps or drinking cocoa.  Such things, I grant you, have nothing of virtue in them; but there is a sort of innocence and humility and self-forgetfulness about them which I distrust. The man who truly and disinterestedly enjoys any one thing in the world, for its own sake, and without caring two-pence what other people say about it, is by that very fact forearmed against some of our subtlest modes of attack.  You should always try to make the patient abandon the people or food or books he really likes in favour of the 'best' people, the 'right' food, the 'important' books.  I have known a human defended from strong temptations to social ambition by a still stronger taste for tripe and onions."

With Thanksgiving coming up, it's a lovely time to count our blessings... so many simple pleasures the Lord blesses us with.  So many blessings.  What a kind God we serve. He has filled His world full of simply beautiful every-day pleasures for us to enjoy.

"All those fasts and vigils and stakes and crosses are only a facade.  Or only like foam on the seashore.  Out at sea, out in His sea, there is pleasure, and more pleasure.  He makes no secret out of it; at His right hand are 'pleasures forevermore'.  ... He has filled His world full of pleasures.  There are things for humans to do all day long without His minding in the least....  Everything has to be twisted before it's any use to us."  (also from The Screwtape Letters by Lewis)

And now, I'm off on this blustery fall eve to the Chinese mission.  I'm getting the teenage boys combined in my class tonight.  This could be interesting.  But not to worry, I shall put on the most teacherly-air I possess and firmly but kindly convey that they must behave.  At least I'm going to try to, anyway... no guarantees as I have yet to perfect my own version of an 'evil eye' that would freeze a unruly teen into behaving.  Hopefully I will have no need to practice on them.

Blessings and simple pleasures to you all,
~M

early morning thoughts...

It's much to early to be up but I wasn't sleeping well and sometimes the best thing to do is just get up.   These wee hours find our kitten, Marilla, in a decidedly (and unusually, I should add) docile mood and snuggled up beside me.  Peppermint tea sits steaming from one of my favorite mugs.

I think back to last week, when for three seperate days I left the house early, when the autumn moon was still high above the tree line, for a long 2 hr plus drive not counting a good dose of big city traffic thrown in.  A dear friend of mine, and some of her sisters, teach itinerant (at the student's home) piano lessons, and since they were out of town, they asked if I could fill in, which I was delighted to do.  The Lord showed Himself so faithful to me during those three days in a lot of ways, but one of the most special was a Divine Appointment with "Nana".

One of families I taught I had five children in the family, four of whom take lessons.  The mother passed away unexpectedly this year, and their grandmother, "Nana", has been caring for and homeschooling them all since.  My heart went out to these children, and on my way out, I began chatting a bit with the grandmother.

"Oh, call me Nana, everybody does!" she insisted.  Then, I found out her husband had just died a year or two ago... her daughter this year, and now she as an older lady was playing the role of "mom" for a very active household.  It could wear a young person out.  I searched her face and voice for negative emotions... and found none.  Instead, this lady who's been through so much, was glowing with the joy and presence of the Lord.

"Jesus said He came that we might have life! and have it more abundantly!  and that our joy might be full!  We just have to call out that joy that Jesus said is in us through Him!" she excitedly and animatedly shared.

She went on to share about how precious her "hour of power" (time with the Lord in the morning) is, and how He gives her strenght even when she is most tired.  This lady is going through so much, but yet she is one of the most joyful people I've met in a long time.  What a blessing!

I needed to have this edifying conversation with this saintly lady, and I knew it.  Except... 15 mins passed... then 30.  Then almost 45. And we were still fellowshipping in the kitchen.  And I still had about four other families with multiple students on my route... and for an itinerant piano teacher, it's a domino effect if you get behind and it can be a disaster.  And I knew I was getting seriously behind and that this could be bad.  Real bad.  But, I knew I was supposed to be having that conversation, and I knew that I could trust the Lord to work out the rest of my schedule. 

After the last edifying word, promises to pray for each other, and a hug, I got in the car and called the next family on my route... they were fine with my being late.  I called the next person.... who wanted to know if it might be a double blessing to both of us to cancel their lesson for that day?  Would it!?!  That got me exactly back on track, and I was able to finish the day as planned.  Does God know what He is doing, or does He not?   I believe God wants us to walk by faith and not be sight, even in the small things, like a day's schedule.  Perhaps mostly in the small things, actually, because only when we learn the small things will get move on to bigger.

I drove home that night when the moon adorned the autumn sky again, and only the russet hues of the last whispers of sunset remained... and I praised God, Who does all things well.  We can trust Him today... even in the smallest things.  That's the beauty of being dependent.

this & that

-I didn't mean to fall off the Blogger Bandwagon...  but we were out of town all last week, and I have spent the first part of this week since I've been back both playing CatchUp and being sick.  Today, I am not only feeling better, but I am nearly caught up, and I call that a very good thing.   Yay God.

-While I was out of town, I roamed several Flea Market stores, and one resale shop.  They were all the sort of shops with lots of dust, plenty of junk, but with treasures waiting to be sought out, with just a bit of hunting.  It's kind of like an Easter egg hunt.  A few of their treasures came home to Texas with me: an entire set of six CS Lewis books (including a few I've been wanting!) for seventy-five cents; two old hardback books with beautiful covers to make purses out of (yes, that's right, purses); and a retro sewing pattern from the 60s (I am currently making a dress from a retro 40s pattern... if that turns out to be wearable, why not try my hand at another?).  It's the little things in life, I tell ya. 

-We had a lovely time on our family vacation... we didn't do a lot of anything, except perhaps, wandering and roaming the sights and stores, and that was perfect for this year.  And I drank copious amounts of coffee and tea too.  That was also perfect. 

-Since returning, Becs and I have started a very strict diet regimen for abundant-health purposes (I am something of an Herb Nerd and Becs is always wanting to try some extreme new health pursuit, so we are a bit dangerous together).  We can have as much of we want of practically nothing.  Becs is like a little hawk, and if I so much as put the wrong sort of vegetable on my plate she gives the The Eye and fusses.  I do not exaggerate.  I hope I survive the next six weeks.  However, it is so so good to bring my flesh into submission in this way and exercise those muscles of discipline... it's good, every now and then, to do something your flesh really hates doing.  Somehow, the physical and the spiritual work together, and not only do I find my physical self-discipline strengthening, but then I find my spiritual discipline begins giving my spiritual muscles a new workout and that is always good.  It's one of the benefits of fasting too... My dad, for as long as I can remember, fasts one day a week (breakfast and lunch) for spiritual reasons, and some of us have followed that example in some way or another.  It helps builds spiritual stamina and helps keep your gaze steady on The Prize.  I love what the Apostle Paul says, 'Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it. And everyone who competes for the prize is temperate in all things.  Not they do it to obtain a perishable crown, but we for an imperishable crown. Therefore I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: not as one who beats air. But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified.' (1 Cor. 9:24-27)  The Apostle Paul sure was smart. Christians should be some of the most disciplined people out there.

-I got some fall cleaning done today... this included cleaning windows.  I'm sure no one realizes how many windows their house has until it is time to clean them.

-These days I find myself praying about going to China next summer for three weeks.  My flesh doesn't much want to go, I do not know if I will go, but I think it's a possibility that the Lord might want me to go.  There is a need, and what are these single years for, but to serve the Lord with all that I am?  Whether it is this need or another one that I am supposed to step up to, is yet to be seen.   We shall see.

-This is all for now, I suppose.  I want to keep my seat on the Blogger Bandwagon for a longer period of time this round... you know, that discipline thing I was talking about?  ha!  Yes, it needs to extend to time management and making time for more than just the immediate-urgent tasks in front of me as well.

-I am thankful today for: music {it enriches life so much}... good family team-work... blustery days and afternoon showers... safe travels... trials that put steel in the backbone... enriching books... my own room...  happy faces... thoughtful and pondering faces... my favorite season being upon us...  Celestial Seasoning's seasonal Candy Cane Lane tea being back on the shelf!... the strong and mighty love of God...

'rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation'

I... (sob) just... (sob) am so (sob) tired (sob) and I (sob) don't under(sob)stand (sob) and I don't (sob)  know (sob) what to (sob) do...  etc. etc. etc. etc.

I don't often sob and I don't often ask the Lord 'why?' and I don't often cry out vocally to the heavens.   But the proverbial straw had broken the proverbial camel's back and an avalanche of built up frustrations came tumbling as I sat out just under a giant oak tree and a sunny sky in the middle of the boondocks. I had hurriedly stuffed about six pieces of Kleenex into my pocket before heading out for a walk, and by the time I got to the back of the property, I had used most of them.  There I sat down and promptly flooded out the last two remaining tissues and unburdened my heart to the Lord.  It's a good time to get-a-grip when you realize you're on your last Kleenex, which I was, and so I did... and then finished my walk.

Life is so peculiar.  So confusing sometimes.  So full of question marks, you know?

I read this in my Streams in the Desert devotional (from this entry ) the next day:

"Friend, you do not have to understand all God’s ways with you. God does not expect you to understand them. You do not expect your child to understand, only believe. Some day you will see the glory of God in the things which you do not understand."

Balm for the soul, that's what.

The answers we can't see, the pain we can't understand, the way covered in obscurity, it's all okay.   Some day, we will see the glory of God in the things we do not understand.  Right now, we know enough: His heart is good and His plans are perfect and pain is good for us.

The circumstances and hurts which are the Potter's fingerprints at work, while sometimes not near difficult trials compared to others, are painful and meant to inflict pain.  A friend recently shared with me this concept that C.S. Lewis wrote about in The Problem Of Pain (next on my reading list!): we tend to say that our trials are nothing compared to the starving in Africa... While there is truth in that and such knowledge ought certainly to keep us from the pit of self-pity, pain is God's tool, and to attempt to brush it off as nothing is to diminish the good work that pain is meant to accomplish.  At least I believe that to be the concept, although someone who has read the book might need to correct me.  At any rate, I thought it was a good one and worth pondering.

In summary: while we shouldn't wallow in our pain to the point of self-pity, we should accept it and let it do it's perfect work in our souls. 

Amy Carmichael wrote a poem I love a lot, For in Acceptance Lieth Peace:

He said, "I will forget the dying faces;
The empty places,
They shall be filled again.
O voices moaning deep within me, cease."
But vain the word; vain, vain;
Not in forgetting lieth peace.

He said, "I will crowd action upon action,
The strife of faction
Shall stir me and sustain;
O tears that drown the fire of manhood, cease."
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in endeavor lieth peace.

He said, "I will withdraw me and be quiet,
Why meddle in life's riot?
Shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease."
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in aloofness lieth peace.

He said, "I will submit; I am defeated.
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain.
O futile murmurings, why will ye not cease?"
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in submission lieth peace.

He said, "I will accept the breaking sorrow
Which God tomorrow
Will to His son explain."
Then did the turmoil deep within him cease.
Not in vain the word, not in vain;
For in Acceptance lieth peace.

 Acceptance of pain, acceptance of circumstances, of direction or lack thereof, is where peace is found.  But we can only accept these trials, if we realize that in our hand is a coin with two sides... on one side, pain... but on the other, promises.  Beautiful, true promises that we can bank on.  Promises that the Lord is at work even when we cannot see.  That what Satan means for evil, God means for good.  That He works out all things for our good and His glory.  That it will be okay in the end because, some day, we will see the glory of God in the things we do not understand.

That is all we need to know for now and it is enough for today.


"Cling to what is good... not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer."  (Rom. 12:9b,11,12)

~Labor Day 2011~

It's been a wonderful holiday.  One of the best days I've had in a long time, and for no paticuliar reason... except that the Lord is really good to me.

We have the rare privilage of a cool front in early September, so the weather was beautiful outside.  A much welcome respite from all the triple digit temps.  I spent as much of it as I could out of doors... I trimmed rose bushes, helped till manure in garden beds, steered an invalid tractor that was being towed, and drove around and a healthy one...I made two pies and a lot of hummus, swung on the swing and felt the breeze brush my skin, sat around the table with my family and grandma and talked about nothing important, and I washed dishes.  Lots and lots of dishes (the person who gets dishes on holidays is always pitied; today it was me. but I am thankful for two hands and Chore Boy brand scrubbies.)  To top off the pie coffee, and walk, we watched half an old movie about the life of Will Rogers.  Who says I don't live an exciting life?

 I carried a camera around with me, some of the time, to capture the day. 

Becs (17) enjoying both the swing and the breeze with me this morning.

I saw this beautiful butterfly sipping from the lilacs.  Butterflies are special to me... they signify new life and new things.

Muppet (21), and Laf (28) in the kitchen working on our festive meal.  We were tired of traditional Labor Day food and went for something a bit more unique... Greek food.  Yum.

Dad and I tried to get things ready for a fall garden.  We're determined not to let the cows and deer get the best of us.

Dad held (and used!) my camera while I moved the tractor.  I really really love driving the tractor.  If I could learn how to work on them (and cars), I'd *really* be a delighted.

Becs made homemade pita bread... I made the hummus.  It was rather good, if we do say so ourselves.

Coconut cream pie and chocolate cream pie.  I have to say, I used this recipe for the coconut cream pie, and it's highly recommended!  (I used less sugar than called for and it was still good)

We sat outside to soak in the weather, and enjoy dinner music brought to us by the way of an ipod and speaker.

Mom and Muffie.  :)

This is my grandma (Mom's mom)... true to the Italian Rules, she talks with her hands.

Grandma and Muppet

Laf and I.

The Lord sure does fill my life with good things.


This verse has been running through my head all day:

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  

"Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."  (Mat. 11:28-30)

That is true rest... and all the things that make us so tired (not the good sort of tired, but the worn down sort), perhaps it's because it is not a part of His yoke for us at all... perhaps it is expectations that either we place on ourselves, or that we feel our culture and society expects of us... Perhaps, if we really will come to Him and cross-examine what it is that's making us tired, we really will find rest for our souls.  And we will, because He promises.  It has certainly proven true in my own heart and I am thankful.

Goodnight all.  I hope to catch up with everyone via comments and reading  real soon.   Life has been hectic but this week will hopefully be slower.  Please pray for Texas folks... we're in a very bad drought and families are losing their homes in all the wildfires (some not very far from where I live)...  pray that hearts are turned to the Lord through it all, and for rain.

May the Lord bless and keep you!