Monday, December 3, 2012

"Lord, stamp eternity on my eyeballs." -Jonathan Edwards

The trees know autumn is almost gone... in the wind I hear the crinkle of the trees shaking off their taffeta skirts of crimson and gold, laying aside all their finery for of the good sturdy long underwear of their gray and brown bark.  So do the fields... the farmers have harvested the cotton, the corn.  They have harvested and plowed, and then plowed again.   And now the earth is resting under a comforter of beautiful rich dark soil, lined with perfect rows of lines.  God's creation knows their times and are always obedient to them.  Am I?  Me, who stands among the fields and trees, the only one out of them all who sometimes turns my face heavenward and says, "no".  I, so foolish... I, manager of my own time.

Time... I often tend to have two ways of dealing with it... either ignoring it's magnitude, while I manage it the best I can, or I am hounded by it, even though there never seems to be enough of it.  But there is a third way... a grace, really, an answer to a prayer for eternity to be stamped on my eye.

That is to view my schedule through the lens of a sand-timer   Every five minutes, even the time that it's taking me to write this now, is irretrievable from the set time God has for my life.  Done.  Gone.  Over.  I will not get it back.  I might be laying on my deathbed one day wishing for more time to do more things and I may have wasted it on something silly... like complaining.  Or being lazy.  Or wasting time online.

If I can view it through this lens, that of a giant hourglass of sorts, I will not be caught later down the road wondering where it all went.  I will use it wisely and efficiently and for the purposes and glory of God.  I will not use it glibly, nor will I be hounded by it, because I will be purposeful with each moment, each grain of slipping sand.  I have a ways to go to reach that point.  But I am trying.

It's made me quite stingy, lately, with my time.  The sand slipping away pricks me into action... or sometimes, inaction.  Is stopping to watch kittens play, admiring God's handiwork worth it?  I think so.  Is sitting on the couch with my sister, or visiting with my mom worth the trickle of sand from the timer?  Yes.  Is bad planning, things taking longer than they should because I didn't plan or organize well worth the pouring sand that I can never grasp back?  No... not those.

To mind my schedule in such a way that is busy with the best, and not with the worthless, is good I think... I am not always sure how... I need grace and wisdom and discernment to know the difference between best, good, and the worthless.

Is this school I am pursuing so hard, the job I am trying to obtain, the books I am trying to find time to read... are these worth the trickle of sand that escapes while I work, reach, and struggle?  Maybe... maybe some of it, maybe not all of it.. I don't know.  As I said, I am so needy for His thoughts.

One day, my time will be done.  One day, I will stand before the Lord and be held accountable for the way I spent these hours... this very hour included.  Will I have used it wisely?  Will I have redeemed the time?  Will I have brought many souls with me?

Like the trees, like the fields, I need my Creator.  I need Him to order my steps.. order my thoughts... In short, I just need Him for everything.  And I need to always remember and realize that and never to raise my head and say "no".

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"So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom."  ~Psalm 90:12

This is on my mind and heart these late fall weeks... many things, are, really... but I think taking time to write them down just might be time well spent... Somehow, I believe He can be magnified, even through the fumbling bumbling thoughts and grasps for truth sprawled out on a blog page, by one of His most grace-needing daughters.  

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